Be more specific.

Once upon a time last week, I was going to go on a date with someone who I thought to be completely out of my league. I can be hopeful, therefore there are very few men that I actually want that I believe are unattainable. But this one was wildly intimidating. Hes tall, well- mannered and well rounded, charming as I don’t know what. His smile is white. He is a traveler, i’m talking London type travels, not your typical Disney world, Florida vacation. He’s an actor. And as amazing as all that sounds, that wasn’t what intimidated me. It was the fact that he is all of these things, and he is white. Seems ridiculous huh? I’m mixed. I suddenly thought back to all the mixed couples I know. Like Corrinne Baily Rae and her sweet white husband that passed away. Or Paula Patton and Robin Thicke. Notice, i’m not referring to the the relationships where a black man is with a white woman, because in some way, don’t ask me which way, it isn’t the same. It’s a little ironic that the white slave owners used to continuously have sex with the black women and have little Creamies (as called in Australia, and what my grandma calls us), but black men and white woman are more accepted today. Anyways, racist insecurity seems ridiculous though.  I listen to James Taylor, and Norah Jones everyday for Christ’s sake! I attend a Lutheran Church, and walk around barefoot. As soon as he crossed my mind I envisioned houses in East Nashville with antique belongings, backyard gardens, rocking chairs on front porches, and tea in mason jars.  I imagined VIP seats at the steeple chase, and late night reservations in the Gulch.

I approached him, and purposed the idea that I am interested in him and he seemed respond. It came time for the date, and he stood me up.

The very first time that I’ve ever been stood up. It’s incredible how confident I felt when he agreed to met with me for drinks in midtown.. and then how overwhelmed I felt when he cancelled. All the insecurities of myself and color and background seemed to attack me, and my silly little heart that had presented the idea that it could actually happen in the first place. I thought of the movie, “hes just not that into you”.  I didn’t even put my phone down before I dialed my black friends, who where going to a local hookah bar. I assembled around a table  with them as we talked and at that moment I felt comfortable. I told them what had happened and one “friend” replied with, “yeah, y’all couldn’t date, first of all, hes a white boy”.. And at the moment after blowing out  a large puff of thick, white, fruit loop flavored, sweet tobacco smoke, I had an epiphany.  Because last time I checked, my mom was white. last time I checked, my best friend is white. and my other best friend is Kurdish, and her boyfriend is black. and i was sitting with people, and sharing a mouth piece with people who didn’t believe in me. As if they were passing their racist, limiting, ever shackling words to me through the smoke of the hookah. Or rather they know not what they do. They didn’t understand the depth as to what I was experiencing. That is what they grew up to believe and I realized that I did too in some way. Limiting myself to the idea that ,black men can be with white women, but that white men don’t love black woman.  I felt comfortable in it. but i saw new light now.

Now, this is not to say that I’m going to try to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with me. I can take a hint. I don’t want the hint, haha, but I’ll take it.  I’m incredibly observant, but you don’t need much more than an unanswered text to know that the boy is not interested, unfortunate, but true, haha.  But I have made up my mind to break tradition. Equality stems from the idea that “he was just not into you” rather than the idea that “that the whole race, or whole gender is just not into you”. You break tradition by being more specific.

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